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    Token Black Guy JoshLail's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TAWX14 View Post
    Dude to dude, it's seems pretty shitty to do stuff and be intimate (does that outright mean sex??) and then question how to tell her you don't want a relationship. That should've been first. You can't say "Ultimately I don't want to lead her on and then let her down" when seemingly you've already done that. Best thing you can do is just be front up and tell her your schedule isn't going to work out and you think it's better if y'all are just friends.
    I told her when we first started to talk that I wasn't looking for a relationship. It's just that after we hung out a couple more times and with her trying to invite me over every day I feel like she is trying to convince me to date and I need to be careful. I shouldn't have done anything with her. That was a big mistake on my part.

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    Governor Dark Nimbus's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JoshLail View Post
    I told her when we first started to talk that I wasn't looking for a relationship. It's just that after we hung out a couple more times and with her trying to invite me over every day I feel like she is trying to convince me to date and I need to be careful. I shouldn't have done anything with her. That was a big mistake on my part.
    Run. Run like the wind. The thing about hitting it and quitting it is that the quitting it part is key. If you hadn't already strayed outside of the friendzone, hanging out so much wouldn't be a problem. But you did. There are going to be certain expectations on her part now and if how you act doesn't correspond with her expectations, you are going to have problems. Some people might tell you that adults can conduct themselves accordingly and she will be fine with the situation. Those people are wrong, this has "potential shitstorm" written all over it in big, shiny letters.

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    Archmaester Robin's Avatar

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    I agree with John Dixon. Just tell her straight up how you feel about this whole situation.

    I've been in a similar situation before with a girl who was really into me, and I made the wrong choice of not telling her how I felt about that. It just gets more awkward and uncomfortable everytime you and her meet.

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    Samurai Bronx Cheer's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by JoshLail View Post
    Very true. Women have a seventh sense to detect bullshit. That's why I need to figure out how to tell her the truth in a way that isn't harsh.
    Well, you would start with compliments and then move on to the logistical problems. A smile always helps - so does the truth.

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    Just tell the truth. You weren't alone in your "intimacy" and mistakes happen, but it will only get worse if you don't tell her, with honesty, how you feel. FWIW, I htink your concerns about getting involved with someone at this time in your life are valid and even if she's angry, hopefully she is mature enough to realize that, too.

    Good luck.

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    Token Black Guy JoshLail's Avatar
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    She started calling me hun so I decided to tell her right then and there. I told her I don't want to date her or do anything else sexual and I don't want to hurt her feelings by making her think that is what I intended to get out of hanging out. She told me that she understands and she is completely fine not dating and knows I'm moving away at the end of the summer for grad school.

    It feels like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulder. Thanks for the 10/10 advice guys and gals.

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    Lookout ZombieBek's Avatar
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    Girl here. Be up front and tell her you are moving for school soon that anything more than friends right now is not something you're willing to put pursue. If she's still down for messing again, then DO it and stop feeling guilty.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by JoshLail View Post
    She started calling me hun so I decided to tell her right then and there. I told her I don't want to date her or do anything else sexual and I don't want to hurt her feelings by making her think that is what I intended to get out of hanging out. She told me that she understands and she is completely fine not dating and knows I'm moving away at the end of the summer for grad school.

    It feels like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulder. Thanks for the 10/10 advice guys and gals.
    cool, I was late to the party. Sounds like it all worked out in the end.

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    Queen Rose of The Kingdom Carl's Right Eye's Avatar

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    If you did the horizontal bop, I hope you wore a condom. Otherwise, you could contract a STD or, worse yet, knocked her up.

    Unless you and your friend are both okay with being friends with benefits (which can be fun), don't have sex with a friend.

    In the future, be truthful about whether you're looking for a relationship or just sex before having sex.

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    Demon of War whargoul's Avatar

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    You should have made your intentions clear from the start. Right now you just got to hope the feelings are mutual or else you'll come off as a dick.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JoshLail View Post
    She started calling me hun so I decided to tell her right then and there. I told her I don't want to date her or do anything else sexual and I don't want to hurt her feelings by making her think that is what I intended to get out of hanging out. She told me that she understands and she is completely fine not dating and knows I'm moving away at the end of the summer for grad school.

    It feels like a huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulder. Thanks for the 10/10 advice guys and gals.
    It's a lesson learned, so use the experience to guide how you conduct relationships with women while you are at grad school.
    A guy friend of mine recently asked me if all women were nuts, and I pretty much had to tell him yes. What I mean is that men and women process what is important to them in relationships differently. Things that guys see as unimportant can bug the shit out of women. Dudes are very much about what makes them feel good in the moment, so bear that in mind if you are going to play the field. As many other people have said, you need to be upfront from the start about if you want to keep things casual. People get attached. If you hook up with someone who you have no intention of seriously dating then you really do have to hit and quit. No messaging and no going for coffee, because otherwise you ARE effectively building a relationship no matter how casual you might think it is.
    Once in a blue moon you find someone who is predominantly a friend who you can also occasionally mess around with without feelings getting hurt, but they are as rare as a unicorn.
    Keep your friends and your fuck's separate while you are away and you should be okay. Now you know what it's like to be on the other side of unwanted attention. Learn from it.

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