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  1. Back To Top    #1
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    Banned User Dknux's Avatar
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    How Could Hell Get Any Worse?

    Chapter I

    The tear gas is making it nearly impossible to keep running. My eyes are throbbing. I can hardly breath. The gas and the smoke are weakening my vision. I can barely make out any thing in front of me... just shapes. Shapes of hands, so many hands. Hands that are grabbing at me. I have to keep running.


    Through the dense sound of the prison siren I hear Tomas shouting out to me from far away... "Andrew damn it, this way". I run towards his voice. I can feel breathing on my neck. It is labored. It's Big Tiny. I reach back. I can feel his prison blues. I pull the material. "Fat fuck... move" I say as I hardly get the words out. Further back, behind Big Tiny, I can hear a familiar whine. "Axel quite your crying, bitch" I spit out. Then all of a sudden I lose my footing as I slip on the floor. My balance is diminished. There is something on the floor. What the fuck is on the floor. The slickness of the ground takes control of my legs as I smack into a wall then onto my back. All of my breath gets forcefully pushed out of my lungs as Tiny comes crashing onto me. I close my eyes. The pain is tremendous.


    As I open my battered eyes I can make out a face next to mine. It's Axel. He is not moving and his eyes are shut. My back is soaking wet from the floor. Tiny is starting to move. I feel his weight shift. He is trying to get off of me. I put my hands in front of my face and they are covered in a thick goo. It's red... it's fucking red. The floors are covered in blood. Blood? My eyes close again.


    About five minutes ago Tomas and I were in our cell. It was almost "lights out". From the hallway came the loudest screams I have ever heard. Almost immediately the siren was sounded and the lights went out. After about a minute, the tear gas started to flow. Then the emergency lighting came on. The automatic gates on all the cells opened. From a short distance we heard gun fire. As Tomas and I left our cell I could see, covered in smoke, the outline of two prison guards. They were shooting into a cell as someone grabbed one of them and pulled him in. Without saying a word, Tomas just started to run. I was right behind him. As I passed the cell next to ours, Tiny and Axel came pouring out. As the smoke started to completely cover us, we lost sight of Tomas.


    Now, as I open my eyes again, I can see the outline of Tiny. He is bent over and he is shaking Axel. Then I hear a sound my ears can barely make sense of. A weird moan... an animal like grunt. I lift my heavy head. I can see the shapes of distorted men in the smoke. They are getting closer and closer. I feel hands pulling at my feet. Then the sirens go dead. The emergency lighting goes black. Damn it Tomas, why did you leave me behind. I'm scared... I can't move or think.


    Suddenly I feel a pair of hands from behind me. The hands drag me through the darkness. I am forced onto my feet. I hear a door open. A beam from a flashlight weakly lights up the small room. It's a maintenance closet. The glare from the flashlight is in my eyes so I can not see the face of my rescuer. He pulls the flashlight away from my face and towards his. It's Oscar. Tiny is standing next to him with Axel passed out in his arms.

    Chapter II

    Tomas struggles with the prison guard on the floor. He is trying to pull the guard's pistol out of his hands. "Tomas, god damn it, let's go" I shout. Oscar moves forward toward the struggle. I think he is going to pull Tomas off the guard. At that moment Tomas rips the gun from the guard's hand. Tomas jumps to his feet. He points the gun at Oscar. "What you gonna do, tough guy" Tomas exclaims as he chuckles. The guard puts his hands on the floor to push himself up. Tomas puts the gun to the guard's head. "I didn't say you could move" spoke Tomas. "Tomas, don't do this shit. Don't make me part of this" Oscar demands. "Yea, Tomas, let's just go" mawkishly chirps Axel. Tomas looks over at me and smiles. Bang!!!

    I wish we would have stayed in that maintenance closet...

    We were in the closet for awhile. Tiny tended to Axel. He was upright but distraught. Axel, like me, was covered in the blood from the floor. Oscar had his ear to the door. "Hey, I don't hear anything. Let's go" Oscar directed. "Oscar, is that a good idea man?" Axel responded. "Let's just wait here until this whole thing blows over" Tiny added. "Blows over? Man, this is a full scale riot. This shit ain't ending anytime soon" I offered. "Let's just find a way outta here" I continued. Axel replied "out of this closet?" "Out of this fucking prison. We ain't ever gonna get another chance like this" I answered. "I am not gonna try to escape... they'll shoot us on sight. I only have a year left. You can go out there and get yourself killed. My fat ass is staying right here" Tiny retorted. Then all of a sudden I could hear shouting coming from somewhere outside the door. "Andrew... " shouted Tomas. I pushed Oscar aside by flinging the door open. "Tomas" I shouted back. The smoke had dissipated. Tomas shouted my name again. I went back into the closet and grabbed a flashlight. I looked at Axel. "You coming?" I asked. Axel nodded. "Tiny?" I questioned. He picked up a donut that was sitting on a utility table, started to eat it and then flipped his middle finger at me. "Fuck. Are we really gonna do this?" Oscar wondered.

    The three of us entered the hallway. I flashed my light ahead. There were many bodies littered across the floor. Axel threw up. Wimp. We headed towards Tomas' voice. As we turned a corner, I saw Tomas standing there with his hands up. A prison guard was closely in front of Tomas. The Guard nervously had a gun pointed at him. The guard looked up at us in shock. Tomas took advantage of the guards distraction and pounced onto him. The two hit the ground in a struggle.

    Chapter III coming soon...

  2. Back To Top    #2
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    Banned User Ripley's Avatar
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    Wow, this was such a lovely, suspenseful read in every way, start to finish ! Please write more !!!!!! You have all the basic instincts of great writing- the things which cannot be taught or read in books so I hope you will continue with the story, which will have many readers I am sure.

    I loved the fact that you chose to tell a story we have not seen in the GN or the show, but which is a fascinating story by itself without the Grimes Gang needed to spark reader interest. I found myself racing through it just to see what happened next, even though I already knew from the show that Tomas, Oscar, Big Tiny, Andrew and Axel in fact survived until we saw them in season 3 of the show. Ha ha, you had me at "the tear gas..."

    I loved the way that you used the senses- blurred vision , the sounds, the feeling of hands, the sight of the hands and also in first person. It is remarkably effective to use how the physical senses tell us info we need when the mind gets confused when the prison went to hell with the lights, sirens, the disorientation of the prisoners who were locked into routine which vanished in an instant. Your instinct to follow how we revert of the physical sense to give us and help us process info in a crises set the tone and pacing quite well. Very well done in every way.

    The dialogue you chose was also terrific because your characters spoke true to their natures (as defined by the show) but also in the ways that real people speak in crises- no one speaks in long, grammatically correct paragraphs when on the run, or when arguing or fighting for their lives so every word rang true. As I read, I also hear the words and "saw" the action in the voices and bodies of the actors on the show, which is as good as it ever gets !

    I suggest 2 small changes...As with every suggestion I make, you are the author of YOUR story- that means you are the only person who knows what is best for your story. I make suggestions which you may take or leave as you feel is best as the captain of the ship...

    Dknux, this was such an enjoyable read and I really hope you will continue showing this story here- I loved every word and re-read 3 more times just for the sheer pleasure of the reading. The pacing is fast but true, there is not a single mis-step or pitfall made. Thanks for giving me the privilege of reading your story and sharing feedback.

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    Nine lives, remember? ✿ Cherokee Rose ✿'s Avatar



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    I liked these first two chapters a lot!

    Having a story focusing on the point of view of one of the prisoners is really interesting, I am curious to see how this unfolds...

    Good job!

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    Thanks Ripley for the help. It is appreciated. I used your suggestions.

    Thank you Cherokee Rose. I will have chapter 3 and 4 up soon.

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